Do you worry about being abandoned in your relationship? Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one. There are millions of people that struggle with the thought that they will be abandoned in their relationships.
This article will help you to see some signs of abandonment and help you identify if any apply to you.
The steps to changing any feeling that you have is to first understand and identify it. Then and only then, can you do what is necessary to change your mindset.
We will talk about how some of these might be causing your relationships to not work out. This is important because relationships that fail can cause you to fear being abandoned. What signs to you see that you can identify with the feelings of abandonment in yourself or in others?
- You attach quickly to people. As soon as you meet someone then you feel that you need to get into a relationship with them. You think that if you don’t do this then you will lose them and they will date someone else. You don’t want them to get away. By doing this, you don’t give yourself time or space to see how the relationship is going to go. You don’t know if this is someone that you can spend your whole life with.
- Moving too fast. When one relationship ends, you don’t give yourself time to get over it, you just go into something new to distract you. You are one of the people that have to be in a relationship and that you are not good at being single. This does not give you time to process the breakup that you just had and can cause more wounds in the new relationship.
- People pleaser. You want to please everyone you meet. This causes you to have no boundaries and to do whatever your partner wants. You don’t put your feelings as important and this will lead to conflict that you will have with them and cause you to resent them. This can cause you to break up because you know that things won’t work out.
- Unhealthy relationships. You choose to not be alone even if it means being in a relationship that isn’t good for you. You think that your match is good or even if your partner is abusive or a cheater you feel that this isn’t enough for you to break up with them.
- Looking for flaws. Sometimes being a match with someone is not good because you don’t allow it to be. When you have abandonment issues, you focus on flaws of other people and ignore their positives. This way when something goes wrong, you can tell yourself that they weren’t the right person for you. You are always looking for perfection and this will not help to keep your relationships strong.
- Not Investing. You might go from relationship to relationship but you don’t want to invest in. You resist anything that singles a commitment such as moving in together or meeting the family. When you do this, it says that you don’t value that relationship long term.
- Avoiding Intimacy. Sometimes you are unable to commit to the relationship and so you do this by avoiding emotional intimacy. If you let your guard down then you will be vulnerable and at high risk of getting hurt. You always keep your guard up and try to please your partner instead. The problem is that you might be happy but your partner won’t be because he needs you to open up so you can be together in the future.
- One thing that makes us not have emotional intimacy is that we feel unworthy. You can’t believe anyone could love you so you choose to not let them. If they come across your partners lips, you will say “you don’t love me,” and that is the end of it.
- Being insecure. Sometimes we think that there is no one that could really love you. You have no self-esteem. You doubt everything that you do. You are full of anxiety.
- You are jealous of all friends. There is always a chance in your mind that your partner is cheating. IT doesn’t matter if all of their relationships are platonic. You are jealous of any member of the opposite sex and also if they spend time with same sex friends. This can put a strain on your relationship and lead to many arguments.
- You have different thoughts of people hurting you and if you trust it makes you vulnerable. You tell yourself to always assume the worse and not to let your guard down. Your partner wants you to trust them and believe them that they love you.
- Separation blues. When you aren’t around your partner then you feel that you are being abandoned. You want to spend all of your time with them and not give them a break. This can cause the relationship to be overbearing.
- You think they will leave you. When your partner takes time away from you then you imagine that they will end the relationship with you. You react to these things as if they are true even if they aren’t.
- You over analyze. Your mind makes you want to figure out everything around you. Even a small comment can make you on edge. This is conflict that you and your partner will have because they are afraid of upsetting you and it makes them feel like they can’t even talk to you.
- You are always looking for someone to criticize you. You pay attention to all the things your partners says. You have no self-wroth and this convinces you that people around you are unhappy. If criticism really does come your way then you will become defensive and offensive in the process.
- You have anger deep inside of you. You have outbursts over things that seem small or insignificant. You resent people for no reason. These feelings can be hard to pinpoint and when you get angry in the relationship it can put a strain on the relationship.
- You try to control things because of being insecure. Your abandonment issues go back to your past and you had to be in control. The result means that you need to manage all of your relationships so that you don’t let go and be unpredictable. You can make your partner feel like they have no freedom when you act this way.
- Unavailable people. You pick partners that are with someone else so that you can avoid emotional intimacy. You pick someone that is unfaithful or someone that has a lifestyle that isn’t like your own. Sometimes you might even pick someone that is with someone else or someone that is moving away. You know nothing serious can come form it and that relieves you.
- You are so afraid of being abandoned that you push people away. You don’t mean to and you want to be in love but your life causes you to do this. This is a mechanism that can help you to avoid emotional pain.
- You blame yourself for everything. If you have real abandonment issues then you aren’t good at being in long term relationships. When these end, you take all the blame and tell yourself that you weren’t good enough for them. That you are ugly or not smart enough. You feel that everything is your fault and you own up to it.
If any of these things were true, you can see if you have abandonment issues. For each of the signs above, you give yourself 0-2 points. If you have 0 then it doesn’t apply to you, 1 means that it might be true and 2 means that it is very true for you. If you have a score of 20 then you might have many underlying issues and anything over 30 means that you might have a strong feeling of abandonment of any kind.