To enjoy lasting love, you need more than just chemistry. Relationships require a LOT of work. This is why it so painful when you find yourself in a romance where you constantly are on or off. When you keep returning to an unhealthy partner, it saps energy from you. You are constantly living in a state of limbo and that can take a major toll on your overall health.
You probably know deep down something isn’t right with your love. Every time you get back together you go through the same awkward dance. You need to constant the impacts this toxicity is placing on your life. For one, you may be suffering from mental health conditions like anxiety or depress from this back and forth. The instability is also eroding your ability to trust in both people and love as a concept.
Paula Quinsee, a relationship expert says this constant state of romantic flux causes uncertainty and both partners to avoid facing up to difficult truths. She says the following. “Constantly breaking up and making up impacts a person’s level of emotional stability and wellbeing. Relationships have an emotional attachment. Partners may fulfill voids that stem from childhood and it plays out in our adulthood and adult relationships. When we are constantly breaking up and making up, this shows doubt and uncertainty, possibly that we aren’t abiding by our own truth or what we want and need in a relationship as we’ve made it all about our partner. This is unsustainable and eventually leads to resentment. Some of the reasons why we keep going back to our ex is familiarity, afraid of being alone and being co-dependent on our partners.”
Can you make hot/cold relationships succeed?
Paula recommends the couple remember why they broke up. Unless both partners can address and compromise on the sticky issues, the reasons for the split will still exist. Moreover, they will recur frequently, especially during the stressful moments. If you want to go back to you ex understand the following. Why are you going back? What benefits has the relationship added to your life? What role do you play in continuing this cycle, and how to you expect things to change? If the issues that caused you to break up haven’t been addressed or resolved, then you are setting you both up for failure and pain.
How do you truly leave a break-up/make-up cycle?
Paula cautions us that breakups are a major part of life. Although they are difficult to navigate, you cannot deny that person or chapter of your life existed or taught you anything. She suggests the following tips:
- Grieve the end of a relationship like you would a death
- Understand everyone processes breakups their own way
- Don’t race into a new relationship
- Seek professional help if need
- Cease contact with you ex until you both can acknowledge the role you played in each other’s life in a positive way.
- Focus on only the good memories
- Learn and evolve from your experience, in order to handle the next relationship in a healthier manner.
Finally, set clear boundaries for yourself, and treat yourself with respect. It will demonstrate to yourself and others your self-worth as well as the value you place on your needs. Be brave and do whatever it takes for you to move forward in your life.