You are aware of the story. Boy meets girl or others, and the beginning of the relationship is related to a hot and steamy chapter.
However, as months and years go by, the intimacy begins fading away and all that they are left with is not always a must doona dance.
It might make you wonder what happened. Was all that passion at the start fueled by vodka and newness? Can genuine desire and intimacy return to what’s become an almost sexless relationship?
“It depends on what the underlying issues are for each couple as to whether than can rekindle their passion,” sex expert and author Susan Bratton told Huff Post Australia.
“When a couple falls in love, their hormones of connection can override issues from the past such as sexual abuse or religious or societal repression, such that it seems like great sex will go on forever. But as the ‘love chemicals’ fade in as little as a few months to a few years, those underlying issues take over and one or both of the partners who’ve been traumatized in the past will revert back to be unable to enjoy sex.
“Another issue might be health. Sometimes a partner gets ill or becomes unhealthy from lack of nutrition and fitness. This also renders them a low desire individual,” Bratton said.
However, Bratton trusts that spark can be found again by a regular healthy couple if it was there in the beginning.
“If a couple is normal and healthy, just putting attention again on their intimacy and sexual education can revive their sexual desire for each other. It is completely possible to rekindle passion, even after many years.
“Couples often forget to keep romancing with each other. This is very important to the feminine that the masculine romance her. Men are more quick to arousal. Women need to be wooed, not just sexually aroused. Doing outdoor activities together brings a couple closer. It can be as simple as a walk in the park holding hands, but this kind of romance is a foundation for women’s hearts to be activated to allow their bodies to be aroused,” Bratton said.
“Sensual connection without it being focused on ‘having sex’ is also vital. The feminine needs to be touched and cuddled, caressed and relaxed before her arousal begins to stir. Too often, men being naturally transactional or goal-oriented means they skip this all-important step. Without full body touch, it is difficult for a woman’s desire to stir.”
Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari says that there is a possibility of couples who have fallen into a sexless routine to bring back intimacy into their relationship.
“I think it’s normal for passion and attraction to subside but I don’t think it’s good for a relationship to become sexless unless the couple has a very real and clear reason why that feels comfortable to both,” Ferrari said.
“The reasons a couple stop being intimate are endless. It can be to do with hormone imbalances, stress, menopause, alcohol and drug use, porn addiction, medication or underlying health conditions just to name a few.”
“However, the most common thing that causes couples to be less intimate in my experience is a threat to safety and security. It can be anything from worrying over something at work, suspecting that your partner is hiding something from you, insecurities and added stress,” Ferrari said.
“Sometimes, all of this can raise the levels of cortisol in the body and over time affect libido. I believe that identifying what the issue is that is causing lack of intimacy to be paramount for a couple to reconnect again.”
Ferrari believes that many people may leave a relationship because they believe they think are not ‘in love anymore, whereas it could actually be a number of underlying issues at play which can be resolved.
With regards to bringing back the boogie, you need to start by having a fresh take on things.
“The brain loves novelty, so a way to bring attraction back is to look at your partner with a different set of eyes and listen with a different set of ears. When we have been with our partner for a long time, they begin to become more familiar to us and therefore we start to pay less attention.
Paying attention and getting to know your partner again will help rekindle the spark.
“Paying attention to your partner in a new way can make them become more interesting to you. I always recommend that people take a good look at their partner by paying more attention to them to rediscover the person you are with particularly if you have been together five, 10, 20 or 30 years. When I say look at your partner with new set eyes I mean paying attention. Noticing nuances of feelings, expression, and love in their eyes.
“Dr. Stan Tatkin, creator of The Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy says love is up close and lust is at a distance,” Ferrari said.
He trusts that you should make your partner looks safe, that’s the next step.
“Feeling acceptance, safety, and security with your partner helps keep the fire and passion alive, so shaming or rejecting your partner can have a significant negative impact on your intimate relationship.
“Object relations theorists have informed many couple therapists, including myself, to consider how shaming and rejecting your partner can cause either you or your partner to not ‘feel in love’ anymore. This can happen by ignoring your partner when they speak to you, not paying attention to your partner daily, or putting your partner down for something they have done or said,” Ferrari said.
How you can have a happy and intimate relationship according to Ferrari:
- Pay attention to your partner when they are informing you about how their day was. Everything should come to a standstill at least.
- Focus on your partner every day. Have eye contact with them at least a minute daily. If you can
- Start sexual intimacy with your partner. This makes them feel more wanted.
- Inquire always how your partner is feeling. Inquire from them if there is something wrong openly and not in a judgmental manner.
- If your partner has done you wrong, discuss it with them lovingly. If you start blaming them they might feel bad about it and this might cause the level of intimacy to go down.
- You can kiss and touch each other every day. This helps in the release of oxytocin which aides in them in the process of bonding.
- You can help your partner with house chores. Make him or her a cup of tea. It’s the small things that matter. Happy couples train themselves to do things that will automatically make their partners happy
- Touching encourages sexual connection. Therefore, touch each other frequently. It doesn’t have to be sexual but just holding hands and hugging each other is enough.
- Let your partner feel secure. They shouldn’t feel threatened as this might cause them to have fear. When the threat is low, we feel loved and passionate about the other person
- You can seek the guidance of a counselor.