A relationship with little or no sex can be comfortable for some people and distressing for others. The useful question is how each of you feels about it. A difference in desire does not prove an affair, and neither person owes sex to prevent a breakup. Start with an honest conversation about needs and freely chosen boundaries.
On this page
- 1. Understand what the label means to each of you
- 2. Choose a neutral time to talk
- 3. Keep consent clear while discussing preferences
- 4. Consider health concerns without diagnosing a partner
- 5. Ask which forms of closeness are welcome
- 6. Seek support that fits the concern
- 7. Decide what is workable for both people
Understand what the label means to each of you
Ask what is missing or difficult: sexual contact, affection, feeling wanted, time together or being able to discuss the subject. Those concerns can overlap without being identical.
A label does not tell you whether both people are unhappy or what caused a change. Avoid deciding that your partner must be bored, unfaithful or no longer attracted to you before hearing their view.
Choose a neutral time to talk
Bring up the subject away from an invitation to sex or a recent refusal. Ask if it is a good time, and explain your experience without turning it into a demand: “I miss feeling close and would like to understand how you feel.”
Listen to what the other person wants to share. They do not need an immediate explanation for every feeling, and you can agree to return to the discussion rather than resolve everything in one evening.
Keep consent clear while discussing preferences
You can describe an interest, ask a question and hear a no. Discussing a fantasy does not create an obligation to act it out, and agreeing to one activity does not mean agreeing to every activity.
Do not use jealousy, threats of an affair or the prospect of separation to obtain sex. A difference may affect your decision about the relationship, but that decision needs to be discussed separately from pressure for an immediate yes.
Consider health concerns without diagnosing a partner
The NHS lists stress, some medicines, hormonal changes and health conditions among possible reasons for low sexual desire. It recommends speaking with a GP if low desire worries you or you think a medicine may be affecting it.
Support someone in seeking advice if they want it. Do not decide on a treatment, supplement or product for them, or assume that a fragrance can restore attraction. A relationship conversation cannot establish a medical cause.
Ask which forms of closeness are welcome
Some people may welcome a hug, shared time or affection without wanting sexual contact. Ask what feels comfortable, and allow an activity to remain just that activity.
A meal, massage or weekend away is not an exchange for sex. If you both want to explore something different, keep checking that it remains welcome rather than treating a plan as a commitment that cannot be changed.
Seek support that fits the concern
Individual support can help you understand your feelings and choices. Appropriate relationship or psychosexual support may also help when both people can participate freely and safely.
Where there is intimidation or fear, start with confidential individual help. You do not have to agree to joint sessions or discuss private sexual details in order to prove your commitment.
Decide what is workable for both people
You may find an arrangement you both want, need more time or discover a difference that neither can comfortably accept. Check whether the conversations are becoming clearer and any agreed actions are happening.
Staying together, changing the relationship or separating are decisions to consider honestly. No technique can promise the return of desire, and a respectful decision does not require either person to surrender consent.