A controlling relationship can leave you changing ordinary choices because you fear the response. You do not have to become more confident, earn more money or confront a partner to deserve respect. The person using threats or control is responsible for that behaviour; your next step can focus on support and safety.
On this page
- 1. Notice patterns that restrict your choices
- 2. Do not make yourself responsible for changing the person
- 3. Do not use confrontation as a test
- 4. Consider how to seek help more safely
- 5. Find support appropriate to your location
- 6. Make a plan that fits your circumstances
- 7. Support someone without taking over their decision
Notice patterns that restrict your choices
Concerns include being isolated from friends, having money for necessities withheld, being monitored or facing threats when you disagree. The NHS describes these among the signs of domestic abuse. Abuse can affect people of any gender.
You do not need to compare your experience with somebody else’s or wait for physical violence before asking for help.
Do not make yourself responsible for changing the person
Depending on a partner for housing, income or care does not make abusive behaviour your fault. Neither does feeling unsure, staying, leaving or finding it difficult to explain what is happening.
A promise that someone will respect you if you become assertive puts responsibility in the wrong place. You are entitled to support without proving that you handled the situation perfectly.
Do not use confrontation as a test
You do not have to announce that you have identified control, challenge the person alone or demand an immediate answer. There is no script that guarantees a safe reaction or makes another person stop.
A specialist advocate can help you consider options in light of your circumstances. Asking privately for advice can be a first step without committing you to a particular decision.
Consider how to seek help more safely
If you think your phone, accounts or browsing are monitored, consider using a device or contact method the person cannot access. The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s internet safety guidance explains that private browsing does not guarantee that your activity cannot be discovered.
Avoid assuming that deleting history or suddenly changing settings will make contact safe. Ask an advocate about technology concerns and a safer way to continue the conversation.
Find support appropriate to your location
In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help with safety planning; call 800-799-7233 if it is safe to do so. The NHS page linked above lists support services for readers in the UK.
Elsewhere, look for a local domestic abuse service that understands your circumstances. If you are in immediate danger, contact local emergency services when you can do so safely. You do not have to wait for an emergency to seek support.
Make a plan that fits your circumstances
A personal safety plan can help you consider practical concerns with an advocate: somewhere to stay, children or other dependants, transport, medicines, documents, money and a safe way to communicate. You can say which options are currently possible and which are not.
Safety planning should fit your situation rather than a fixed instruction to leave immediately. You do not have to tell the person your plans or share where you might go.
Support someone without taking over their decision
If someone tells you they are being controlled, listen and avoid blaming them. Ask what kind of support would help and how it is safe to contact them.
Do not confront their partner, disclose their plans or insist that they leave on your timetable. You can offer to help find a specialist service while respecting the person’s choices.